»APPLICATION TO DATE
MISS JACKIE
1»How big are your feet?
2»How many pounds of pressure per square inch
can your mouth generate?
3»How long can you hold your breath?
4»Can you breath through your ears?
If the answer to Question #4 was "No",
you are dismissed. Thank you. Please stop filling
this out and go back to collecting friction burns.
If you answered "yes", please go onto Question
#6.
If you are reading this, you answered, "Yes"
to Question #4. You filthy liar. The only thing I
hate more than liars are people that can't breathe
out of their ears. But, I admire the fact that you
would do whatever it takes to get what you want (and
what you want is me), so I will allow you to answer
Question #7.
5»How long is it?
Now, I've already established that you're a freakin'
liar. Just be honest with me. Anything in the double
digits and I'll know you're lying through your zipper.
Remember, size isn't everything
money counts,
too. But we'll get to that later, Tiny. And don't
act like you don't know. You've measured that little
raisin so many times that you've got the number memorized
down to the millimeter. So, put the exaggeration away,
Shorty, and fill in your measurement. And it's taken
from the BASE of the hilt, not from the back of your
ass, okay, Hopeful Helperton?
No, no, no
.I asked how LONG it was
not
how WIDE it is
Oh. I'm sorry. H'okaaaay
*chuckle*.
Sorry. It's just that
you know
for your
height, you really should
you know they have
pumps that you can use. Maybe if you put some salve
on it. Have you tried some creams or jellies? Oh,
never mind.
6»How much money do you make a year? AFTER
taxes.
7»List your credit cards.
8»How thick is your back hair?
9»How many shopping bags can you hold in each
hand?
10»How fast can you make a grilled chicken
salad? I get hungry after sex.
11»Do you have any qualms about getting a tongue
extension?
12»Do you like to be held after sex? If so,
buy a koala.
13»Would you consider yourself:
a. Sweaty
b. Semi-sweaty
c. Mildly moist and ripe
d. I sweat more than a pedophile in a clown suit
14»Do you like H.L.A.?
e. Yes
f. No
g. Not only do I like the Haggis Lover's Association,
I'm also the president
15»Briefly define and describe the location
of the G-Spot.
If you're answer involves the word, "Golf",
please go out and find someone to kick you in the
Tater Tots.
If you're filling this out, then you're obviously
single. And if you're single, then you don't know
how to dress.
If you're going to be holding my purse, you've
got to look good.
16»Do you have a problem with burning your
current wardrobe in favor of the one I'm going to
force you to buy?
17»Do you know what anal sex is? You won't
anymore.
18»If you bring a dozen roses to the date,
spend $100 on dinner, and spring for a carriage ride
with champagne, this entitles you to:
h. a "thank you"
I. a second date
j. a kiss on the cheek
k. a kiss on the lips
l. a French kiss
m. an invitation inside
n. a chance to see if I'm a natural blonde
o. second base
p. third base
q. home run
r. a baseball bat to the nards if you think I "owe
you" anything
** Don't forget to include your name, address and
social security number. Okay, I am just kidding about
the lasts one. Ah, and how could I forget the $50
application fee.
Alright, I was kidding about the $50 too. It's
actually $75!
|